I've been having a hard time lately trying to cope with a few things.  Or maybe just one incredibly complicated thing.  I can't put one particular word on it to definitively say what it is.  It has to do with religion and spirituality, with self confidence, assertiveness, humility, and the right for one to be accepted for who they are.

I have a strange sense of morality.  I don't believe in a God (neither Christian nor Pagan or anything in between) or even an abstract Higher Power kind of external thing.  But at the same time, I think that maybe God does exist for other people, but that somehow I am cut out of that loop without the possibility to join it.  I don't want to join it, to be honest, but it's still weird to feel like that one kid left out.

Yet, despite the fact that I don't believe in a God-like being, I do believe in some spiritual things.  I believe in a sort of spirituality in improving myself, and having this strong love for humanity.  I know that I am full of love, pure and unconditional love, but at the same time I don't believe I have a soul.  Maybe this is because of the religion thing.  Everyone I know seems to either proclaim themselves Christian, or they have their own sense of what a god(dess) to them is.  Because I can't put my faith in anything that isn't real, because I refuse to conjure a god to believe in, I feel like I am less than everyone else, like some implicit part of my humanity is missing.  Because I am not the type of person who would dare say that everyone else is wrong and there is no God.  Maybe they are right, and I am wrong.  Maybe I don't have a soul and that's why I'm incapable of feeling this spiritual thing that everyone else seems to.  This first came to me in a dream after my stepdad passed away.  He called me on the phone to tell me that he was in heaven and wanted to say goodbye, because we would never meeet again.  I could not go to heaven simply because I did not have a soul.  As good of a person as I may be, I was raised with Christianity, and it teaches that those who don't believe can never inherit heaven.  I can't help but inherit those beliefs that are so engrained, even though it hurts me more than I can say.  I can't say Heaven is or isn't a real place any more than I could say Hawaii is or isn't real.  The only way I could truly know or not is by going there one day or not.  Believing doesn't make it real, it just makes it easier to go on living.

Lately I had to try to confront this idea of a God.  I had to find something that I could put in place of the idea of a "God" just so I could cope with life.  Because I can't cope when just people telling me "one day you'll find God" feels like they are wishing me death.  I simply have to fill in something for that one powerful word, 'God' that I could agree with.  Something that I can believe in, something that gives me strength, something that is akin to me what 'God' is to those who believe in Him.

I found it.  Myself.  The part of me that is wise, and forgiving, and feels eternal.  The part of me that reminds me of real logic when the depression comes and my inner demons try to tell me that I am worthless.  The part of me that reminds me to hang on even though I want to let go.  The part of me that just radiates all of this unconditional love.

But it's strange to say.  I feel arrogant, or selfish, to place myself as this concept of "God".  This is just because I was raised Christian and still believe in some of those ideals - worship no false idols.  It's conflicting, I know.  Imagine how I feel with these conflicting beliefs!

There's another hard layer to cope with, aside from not believing in God - being lesbian. Until recently, Christianity (for me at least) was unwavering on this.  Homosexuality is a sin, they said.  My own mother told my brother and I that dating another race was fine, but if we were homosexual, she'd disown us.  Now my mother pretends she never said such a thing.  No amends, no apologies.  Just buried denial.  I kind of hate her wondering how she can just go into denial and live with herself.  I wish I could do that so readily.

Many people say that they are Christian and accept homosexuality.  I appreciate that.  Some sincerely do.  But others - and it's hard to say who exactly - seem to accept me... but only because they believe that if they pray for me long enough, I will realize the error of my ways and turn to Jesus.  Or they believe that if they forgive me for my sins, at least they are themselves being good.  I don't want to be converted.  I don't want to be forgiven.   I am not a sin.  I want to be accepted for me as I am.  I know right from wrong without the fear of a wrathful God, or being denied access into Heaven.  I don't believe I'll ever get into a Heaven, and still I do the right things, simply because I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

But I can hardly live with myself now.  I respect so many people and accept them as they are now.  I truly appreciate those who have other beliefs and are at peace with themselves.  A man comes into my store now and then, carrying crosses and doves, and he always has a smile on his face and brings a smile to mine.  But there are people out there who would want me dead just for loving other women, whether they'd say it to my face or keep the secret inside their hearts.  They deeply terrify me.

I am to the point where I think that if someone were to tell me I was a horrible being and didn't deserve to live, I would actually apologize for existing, and mean it.  I know, because I tell myself that I am less, that I have no soul, that I must be wrong somehow, that I am undeserving of the acceptance and compassion that I readily give to others.  I've come to the point where it feels like I should have to die because I've sinned on some level just by existing.  Somehow, all of these lies became a demon, and it lives inside of me.  I don't need anyone to say these things to me anymore, because I have already internalized it all and let them win.  I'm fucking sick of it.  I don't plan on dying for a faceless group of hateful people, as if they deserve to live and I don't.

These words from "Make it Stop" by Rise Against remind me of what I believe in...
What God would damn a heart?
And what God drove us apart?
...
Push me and I'll push back.
I'm done asking, I demand.
From a nation under God,
I feel its love like a cattle prod.
Born free, but still they hate.
Born me, no I can't change.
...
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin.
But proud I stand of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

 There are people who would tell me that I am wrong, for being gay, for not believing in God.  People who would tell me that I will burn in hell.  I don't know why I accept them for those beliefs.  It's not something I should accept.  It's just hate, through and through.  It's not infringing on their beliefs to tell them to take a flying fuck.  Because I really need to do that now and then, for my own well-being.  They are stepping on my beliefs, on my right to be who I am.  I respect them, and if they tell me that their God damns me to hell, I need to withdraw that respect and stand my ground.  I cannot be a mat for people to walk on, for others to spew their convictions at and look down at.  I am human, you are human.  You may believe in God, but I do not, and I don't want to live in your world.

It's hard to explain the difference.  But the only way I can make sense of this is that there seems to be two different Gods for other people.  One who is benevolent, and the other who is a lie and only exists as a way for them to feel validated and given permission to hate others.  This is why it's hard to talk to a religious person either way - I always have to wonder if they are sincere and follow the teachings of that benevolent God who helps them be kind, or do they go through the motions to be a 'good Christian' to their false God, and to hell with everyone else?  I see many people who are the latter.  They don't love other people, don't try to understand or forgive or show humility, they just go to church and somehow believe that they are better human beings than everyone else.  But I also see those sincere Christians, who love everyone without expecting anything in return, who send out good wishes to the less fortunate because they sincerely care.  They use the Bible to better themselves and help others find peace, nothing else.  I appreciate them so deeply.

I am not any better than anyone else.  I am not more enlightened.  I'm not pretending or even believing that those who believe in God are gullible.  I think everyone needs something to believe in, and for me it has to just be my own inner convictions, and what I know is right.  But I am also not less than anyone else, and that's the bottom line.  I don't deserve to be stepped on.  I deserve to be given the same acceptance as anyone else, the same rights, the same respect as long as I earn it.

At the risk of being taken the wrong way and upsetting any people who are true friends to me, who are sincere in their religions, who are pure-hearted, loving strangers...

If you think I'm going to burn in hell, if your love for me is conditional, if you think that I have sinned just by accepting who I am as a person and believing that I don't need a God to be moral or better myself spiritually, then very simply and sincerely, fuck you.

Yes, a wish.

True fucking story.

My mother has a history of mental illness.  Most of my childhood is filled with memories of her convulsing in a seizure that never seemed to end, or schizophrenic episodes, or her trying to kill herself.  And I was spared from most of it, being very detached from reality as a kid.

I remember eating jelly beans as a kid, and sorting out the black ones for my mom to eat.  Except that she fell asleep, and wouldn't wake up.  And then she started shaking.

I remember having friends over for the night, and watching with them from my bedroom window while my mom was put into an ambulance for what felt like the millionth time.

I remember her losing her memory and me having to follow her through a strange city with no shoes on.  She wanted to go for a walk and wouldn't wait.  She stopped at a house I'd never seen before because we'd never lived in that city, and her insisting that she lived there for years and planted the tree in the front yard.

I remember her freaking out because she thought that there were locusts and rats all over her body.

And her swallowing all of the pills in her prescription bottles.

This went on for YEARS.  It started when I was seven, as far as I even remember, and going on to junior high school (8th grade).

In 8th grade I met my first girlfriend, and consequently, I met one of her long-standing friends.

He was a lanky kid with shoulder-length greasy hair and a pimply face.  The first thing he ever said to me was, "Will you go out with me?"  I said "No."  He cheered, explaining that he was on a hot streak of rejections.

He told me that he was a druid.  He and my girlfriend very much enjoyed a variety of things that I can only describe as Tolkien-ish.  It was beyond my understanding, but it seemed very high fantasy.  It's still beyond my understanding.

One day he explained to me about wishes, and that for some reason or another (I might have done something to earn them, but I'm not sure) he owed me three wishes.

He begged me for days to make my wishes, but I waited.  Because even though wishes seem impossible, I wasn't careless enough to just throw them away.

Finally I told him one thing that I wanted.  I wanted my mom to be cured.  Medication was like a wild carousel of Not Helping.  She was either going to have a seizure and never wake up again, or she was going to kill herself.

He drew some symbols on the ground and did his thing.  Then he asked what else I wanted.  I told him I'd wait and see if my mom got better first.

I lost contact with him.  I have no idea where he is and haven't seen him again.

Since then my mother has never had an issue.  No seizures.  No schizophrenia.  No more chasing a woman who doesn't remember who I am.  She's gone from completely unstable, having her driver's license taken away, some sort of episode once a week at BEST, to having a job, living a normal life, just being... totally FINE.

I didn't even connect the dots until earlier this year.  I realized my life used to be a whirlwind of ambulances coming every damn night for my mom.  None of that happened anymore.  I told my friend about it.  He was skeptical, but he couldn't deny that my mom had gone from a total jar of rocks to a normal human being.  Coincidence, you could say, but f*ck you, it's magic!!!

One thing I learned, though, is that my mother is a massive bitch.  :/  You can't blame bipolar for everything.

So, you're welcome, mom.  I cured you with a druid's wish, and you don't even know.

Seriously.

I've had creepily accurate horoscopes before, but this one takes the cake.  Today I made the mistake of calling someone out for their points of view and blah blah blah it's impossible to argue anyway.  Like any debate, you're never going to change the person's point of view.  I'm just not smart enough with words for this shit.  All it ended up doing was raising my blood pressure to RAGE because, surprise, they didn't listen to what I was saying, they just basically heard what they wanted to.

My horoscope:

Although interactive Mercury comforts you while it is visiting emotional Cancer, your words seem more confrontational today than you intend. Your key planet Pluto is in a passionate tug-of-war with the cosmic messenger, allowing harsh words to easily slip off your tongue. The consequences of your current honesty could stir up a hornet's nest of complex feelings. Unnecessary stress can be avoided if you stop to consider other people's reactions before you speak.

 I'm a little bit freaked out.  I think I have discovered my Religion.  Seriously, I need to start reading these every day and plotting my day accordingly.  It even warned me a day in advance:

Fortunately, you are able to avoid a needless argument if you simply remember to tread softly. It just isn't necessary to get bent out of shape over something that ultimately isn't that important.

but I wasn't reading it because I never thought too much of horoscopes, even though I do relate to my sign.

So, yeah, I think that I need to start planning my days according to these horoscopes.  Like, decide if I need to lock myself in my room for a day to avoid confrontation.

Seriously, I think they sell handcuffs at the local sex shop.  Seems like a good investment right now.

I wrote earlier about how people can have some conflicting things about them.  One of mine is that I don't identify with a religion, don't believe in a God, and yet sometimes I really wish that I could believe in a religion.

I don't want to start a debate about religions here.  It's kind of pointless in my opinion, and just ends up bringing out the worst in people.  That's part of the reason why I don't like religions... the people involved, and the fact that it seems to tear humanity apart.

I've looked at the theories behind a lot of religions.  I find that I can respect pretty much all of them, and find them admirable.  In theory, at least.  I've even looked up exactly what Satanism is.  I found out that the only real difference between a Satanist and a Christian is that the former believe that if someone does you wrong, you strike back.  It made me think about how many people I knew who called themselves Christians, but would without a doubt strike back.

Far be it for me to judge someone.  I just wish that when a baby is born in the US, it isn't automatically assumed to be straight and Christian.  It seems like a lot of people just go with what they consider to be the "norm" rather than actually choosing it.  My biggest sign of respect to religion is to not call myself a practitioner of anything.  I refuse to become a hypocrite and further give any religion a bad name.  I studied Wicca for a full year, and decided not to call myself anything of the sort because I knew I couldn't live up to the "harm none" belief, while I still thought it was funny to laugh at other people's short comings. I was only 11 then.

My life would probably be fine like this.  But I still have restless nights when I really think about the reality of DEATH.  It's not a trip to fluffy clouds for me.  For me, that's pretty absurd.  Also, I acknowledge that I'm not a good person.  If Christianity is right (sorry, others, but it's what I'm raised with) then I'd be going to hell.  I've even had a dream in which I received a call from my stepfather and he told me that he wanted to let me know that I wouldn't be seeing him again, because I don't have a soul.

For me, the thought of death goes like this... What will happen?  Will it be like falling asleep, but I never wake up again? Will I see new things, like in a dream, or will that be impossible because my brain stops working?  I guess that it wouldn't be so bad, because if it's just like never waking up, then it won't be painful.  But that's so sad at the same time, to never wake up, and never know.  Just to stop existing.  And then I think, but at least it won't happen to me.  And then I think, No.  It WILL happen to me.  Like a roller coaster you really don't want to be on anymore, but you can't get off, and there's no turning back.  It will happen to ME, whether I'm ready or not.  And it's so scary.

I wish I could believe in a god, any god, and a happy afterlife to look forward to.  But I really can't.  I even wish I could lose enough brain cells to get myself to believe in something that sounds like a fantasy land.  I already have trouble connecting with reality, so this shouldn't be so hard, you'd think.

I want to believe in you, oh sparkly ghost!

People have such interesting brushes with the unknown.  This whole question is why I'm so fascinated by the paranormal, I think.  But those superstitions and religions have existed for years, so I know I'm not the only one.  The question for me is, did they find something real, or are billions of people just desperate enough or foolish enough to believe in a story that someone made up?  How does it feel to be one of the people who say that they can look into their hearts and know these things to be true?  I may find it ridiculous now, but I bet it'd feel pretty good to have faith in something.

And then I remember that it seems like too many people only believe so they can feel morally justified, or other selfish reasons.  I know that doesn't describe everyone, and it shouldn't stop me from finding a religion, but it does.