I wrote earlier about how people can have some conflicting things about them.  One of mine is that I don't identify with a religion, don't believe in a God, and yet sometimes I really wish that I could believe in a religion.

I don't want to start a debate about religions here.  It's kind of pointless in my opinion, and just ends up bringing out the worst in people.  That's part of the reason why I don't like religions... the people involved, and the fact that it seems to tear humanity apart.

I've looked at the theories behind a lot of religions.  I find that I can respect pretty much all of them, and find them admirable.  In theory, at least.  I've even looked up exactly what Satanism is.  I found out that the only real difference between a Satanist and a Christian is that the former believe that if someone does you wrong, you strike back.  It made me think about how many people I knew who called themselves Christians, but would without a doubt strike back.

Far be it for me to judge someone.  I just wish that when a baby is born in the US, it isn't automatically assumed to be straight and Christian.  It seems like a lot of people just go with what they consider to be the "norm" rather than actually choosing it.  My biggest sign of respect to religion is to not call myself a practitioner of anything.  I refuse to become a hypocrite and further give any religion a bad name.  I studied Wicca for a full year, and decided not to call myself anything of the sort because I knew I couldn't live up to the "harm none" belief, while I still thought it was funny to laugh at other people's short comings. I was only 11 then.

My life would probably be fine like this.  But I still have restless nights when I really think about the reality of DEATH.  It's not a trip to fluffy clouds for me.  For me, that's pretty absurd.  Also, I acknowledge that I'm not a good person.  If Christianity is right (sorry, others, but it's what I'm raised with) then I'd be going to hell.  I've even had a dream in which I received a call from my stepfather and he told me that he wanted to let me know that I wouldn't be seeing him again, because I don't have a soul.

For me, the thought of death goes like this... What will happen?  Will it be like falling asleep, but I never wake up again? Will I see new things, like in a dream, or will that be impossible because my brain stops working?  I guess that it wouldn't be so bad, because if it's just like never waking up, then it won't be painful.  But that's so sad at the same time, to never wake up, and never know.  Just to stop existing.  And then I think, but at least it won't happen to me.  And then I think, No.  It WILL happen to me.  Like a roller coaster you really don't want to be on anymore, but you can't get off, and there's no turning back.  It will happen to ME, whether I'm ready or not.  And it's so scary.

I wish I could believe in a god, any god, and a happy afterlife to look forward to.  But I really can't.  I even wish I could lose enough brain cells to get myself to believe in something that sounds like a fantasy land.  I already have trouble connecting with reality, so this shouldn't be so hard, you'd think.

I want to believe in you, oh sparkly ghost!

People have such interesting brushes with the unknown.  This whole question is why I'm so fascinated by the paranormal, I think.  But those superstitions and religions have existed for years, so I know I'm not the only one.  The question for me is, did they find something real, or are billions of people just desperate enough or foolish enough to believe in a story that someone made up?  How does it feel to be one of the people who say that they can look into their hearts and know these things to be true?  I may find it ridiculous now, but I bet it'd feel pretty good to have faith in something.

And then I remember that it seems like too many people only believe so they can feel morally justified, or other selfish reasons.  I know that doesn't describe everyone, and it shouldn't stop me from finding a religion, but it does.